There are no good places to have sex in Central Park. It’s sad but true. I mean, it’s not like I flew from Toronto to New York with the intent or desire to have a romp in the park, but when your boyfriend surprises you with the seemingly casual suggestion of picking out an engagement ring at Tiffany’s on 5th, “since we’re already in the store” (as if he hadn’t been planning this for months) and then follows that up with an official, super sappy, down-on-one-knee proposal in Central Park, it kinda makes you want to rip his clothes off in the nearest semi-secluded spot you can find. In fact, if it weren’t for the ridiculously overpriced rock burning a hole in my pocket, this situation might have made me down right grumpy.
“Okay, we’ve been biking for three hours. We’ve seen Alice in Wonderland, Strawberry fields and Jackie Kennedy’s giant water reserve but we haven’t seen a single decent spot for a quickie.”
“Is that what we were looking for? Why don’t we just go back to the hotel?”
“Fine, we’ll go back to the boring hotel. But I call shotgun starfish.”
“Shotgun Starfish? I just proposed.”
“You proposed three whole hours ago. If you wanted to call starfish, you should’ve taken me straight back to the hotel instead of letting me tire myself out with all the biking. Besides, I called it.”
“Okay, I’ll accept that there was a tactical error on my part. But I get starfish after dinner.”
“You can’t call shotgun starfish on future sex, only right now sex. Sex that we have both agreed is happening as soon as we get to our destination. Come on now; don’t act like you don’t know the rules.”
“Are we having our first fight as an engaged couple – over who has to be on top?”
“It depends? Are you trying to shotgun starfish future sex?”
“Alright, I give up! Let’s just get back to the hotel and have a quickie before dinner. This whole argument will be moo once we get there anyway.”
“Okay, Joey Tribbiani.”
After checking with the concierge about an early morning yoga class, I joined my
fiancé in our hotel room. Like a moth to flame, I immediately floated toward a
surprising new focal point to the room – no, the focal point was not my fiancé;
it was booze.
“Is that champagne on ice? Wait. Is that my favourite champagne on ice?” I noticed a Tiffany box beside the champagne bucket. “What the hell?” I checked my pocket to find my little blue box still in it. “What’s this?”
“I knew they weren’t going to be able to size the ring until we got back to Toronto so I thought you might want to wear it around your neck until we’re home.”
“Wow, you thought of everything didn’t you? When did you get this?”
“When they were polishing the ring you picked out.”
“I think you should get naked right now…and yeah, I officially waive my starfish rights for the remainder of the vacation.”
“See? Argument moo, like a cow’s opinion.”
“Stop gloating…This necklace is fucking beautiful.”
“You’re fucking beautiful. In fact, I waive my rights to shotgun starfish for the rest of this vacation, too.”
“Agreed. From this point forward we go at it like drunken teenagers in an open field.”
“So our usual then.”
“Yup, why mess with a good thing.”
Folks, outdoor sex obviously did not happen for me on my NYC vacation. That’s the problem with real life, I guess. Luckily, I get to live vicariously through my characters. So if you want to read a sexy little short with smoking hot sex in an inappropriate place, pick up The Wedding, which I wrote well before I had my own impending nuptials on my mind.
Karen is not the type to attend a wedding with a guy she’s only slept with once but, in a rare display of empathy, she agrees to accompany her new landlord Allen to this sure-to-be-boring function. Fortunately, Karen knows how to have a good time, and she’s pretty sure she and Allen can make their own fun...even if they have to do it in the outdoors just steps away from a couple hundred stuffy wedding guests.
D.C. McMillen enjoys writing about dirty sex in questionable places but has been known to write about other subjects, on special occasions. She is featured in MuseItHot’s Short & Spicy line up with The Rental, The Wedding and A Decent December. D.C.’s short stories and flash fiction can be found in several anthologies and other print and online publications. She is obsessed with Twitter and invites you to look her up at @mcmillendc, on her blog, or Facebook.