The Sexy Klutz
The topic of the month is (more or less) sexiness, and what makes or breaks the sexy. I promise I’ll get there but I plan to do it in my typical, roundabout fashion. So stay with me as I begin by saying I am a total, hopeless klutz.
To exemplify my klutziness, I will let you know that I fell in a hole this past Saturday.
Yup, a hole.
It was the middle of the night and the hole was filled to ground level with inky black water, rendering it a very camouflaged and stealth deathtrap. It could’ve happened to anyone but it didn’t – it happened to me because I am a klutz. I stepped right in the stupid hole and one leg went down while the other leg splayed in the opposite direction. I recovered quickly and gracefully enough, as only true blue klutzes can (because we have had so many opportunities to hone our abilities to bounce back).
Unfortunately, I re-damaged the hip I managed to injure on a roller coaster ride last summer and I also re-sprained the thumb I hurt when I fell up a set of stairs a few days before the hole incident.
Just because a girl is a klutz, does not mean she’s not sexy. Look at Bridget Jones! She’s the queen of clumsiness, the high priestess of awkward, and yet she has scoundrels and gentlemen alike fighting in the street for her attention. There is no doubt that goofy accident-prone lady is sexy. And Jones isn’t the only make-believe character who seems to endear people toward her with her zany, klutzy awkwardness. If she were, the entire genre of romantic comedy wouldn’t even be a thing.
I, myself, love to write about klutzy, goofy chicks. They’re the best, aren’t they? They allow us to combine humour with hotness, to create heroines that readers can identify with and devise plots that are light and fun yet touching enough to give a little pull at the heartstrings. Of course, we have to be careful as to when and where we scale back the funny and ramp up the sexy, and vice-versa. In my experience, and probably yours, everything in fiction that leads up to the sexy scenes is fair game when it comes to demonstrable klutziness. Once the clothes come off, however, the heroine somehow needs to transform from an accident-prone goofball into a graceful, perhaps even acrobatic woman.
When plotting and writing, I have, unfortunately, never found this transformation to be entirely believable. In real life, our true selves don’t turn off just because we’re turned on. That’s why I try to keep the zany vibe going, not through a bedroom blunder (an accidental fart in a sex scene, for example, is NEVER sexy) but instead by ensuring I stay true to character.
Perhaps she’ll walk backwards around the room before she’ll turn her back to her partner because she doesn’t want to show off that wicked bruise she earned when she fell on her ass two scenes before. Or, one of my characters stayed true to her odd self by pulling out a cowboy hat and insisted on riding her guy like a bull while shouting, “Yee-haw!” I know that doesn’t sound sexy but I promise, it was. You kinda had to be there.
Before I go, because I’m in a sharing mood and because you have put up with me thus far, I’d like to like to give you a laugh. Here is a decidedly funny and unsexy sexy moment that I experienced when I was about twenty:
My guy and I were taking a bath together. It was our first time together so I went all out. I lit candles, put out some of those cliché sexy snacks and bubbly, used up my expensive bath bubbles, blah blah blah. Everything was going swimmingly until I had to extend my body half over the tub and half on the tile to reach the champagne. Of course I fell. Hard. Just as my hand reached the bottle of bubbly, my foot slipped out from under me. My torso landed with a perfect smack on the rim of the bathtub, one leg and one arm over each side, while the bubbly, food and several candles went flying.
The guy burst out laughing and so did I. After ensuring the bathroom was not about to go up in flames in the way our perfect sex scene just did, we decided I’d have less chance of hurting myself if we moved to the relative safety of a soft mattress.
And because that memory is now so vividly ensconced in the forefront of my mind, I think I would like to switch gears. How would you like to meet a character who is the opposite of clumsy? She’s a woman who has everything pulled together and would never fall down a hole, up the stairs or in a bathtub. Karen Valentine is completely in control until that moment when she strategically chooses to hand over the reins.
Karen Valentine in The Rental
Cool and confident Karen meets Allan while she is in search of a fabulous short-term rental. At first Karen is underwhelmed with potential landlord Allan's limp handshake and personality of wilted lettuce. As he shows her around his luxurious apartment, however, a more seductive and adventurous side of Allan is revealed, and Karen becomes determined to discover exactly what deliciously depraved fantasies lurk beneath his passive demeanor.
D.C. McMillen, Bio
D.C. McMillen enjoys writing about dirty sex in questionable places but has been known to write about other subjects, on special occasions. She is featured in MuseItHot’s Short & Spicy line up with The Rental, The Wedding and A Decent December. D.C.’s short stories and flash fiction can be found in several anthologies and other print and online publications. She is obsessed with Twitter and invites you to look her up at @mcmillendc, on her blog, or Facebook.